Intentions

One can live a life full of regrets, wishes, forgotten dreams. Basically, most everyone I know in some capacity or another. I have to set intentions for a new year because if I go on like this, life is bound to get much worse. I've spent this year hoping that it would be better than 2007; and for the most part, it was. However, I think my greatest challenge in life is striking a balance. With me, it's either all or nothing. That is a difficult life to lead and to keep up with. The sense of urgency overrules and then nothing gets done and here I am, at the end of another year, and didn't do what I really wanted to do. So, as a pagan, or an alternative spiritualist, whatever you want to box me into, I'm putting my intentions out in the universe via blog, and see what comes. Because if you say or write your intentions, the more likely they will come to fruition.

-Learn to relax, truly, truly, relax.
-Listen to more meditative music
-use my prayer beads to relax my mind
-exercise for the health of it, not because I'm short, stocky, fat, what have you
-eat more fruits and vegetables and the more organic, in-season foods
-look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful and worth everything I long for
-continue to be a role model for my daughter
-publish (or attempt to) knitting patterns
-walk more to clear my mind
-knit more things for myself
-write more
-let go of the anger and resentment of the past in order to move forward

These are my intentions. I visited a Tibetan shop that I frequent near work today and bought myself a new year's gift: Himalayan Meditation music and prayer beads for both my daughter and I to use. The wonderful man who owns the place is so peaceful and so humble, it really sets things in motion for me to be more compassionate and hope for human-kind to be more passionate. He gave me a Universal Prayer to memorize in times of need:

May all sentient beings have happiness and its cause
May all sentient beings be free, suffering its cause
May all sentient beings never be separated from sorrowless bliss
May all sentient beings abide in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger.

Om Ma Ni Pad Ma Hung

Twin Peaks: Not just under my shirt

My daughter and I have been embarking on the Twin Peaks series. There were two kinds of people in the world in the early '90's. Those who watched Twin Peaks and those who watched Northern Exposure. I was the latter, so I decided it was time to find out about Laura Palmer and the pop culture phenomenon of Twin Peaks. It is of interest that Kyle McLachlan was born and grew up in my hometown, Yakima, WA. He went to Ike (aka Eisenhower High School) He being significantly older than me, I never knew him.

He is one quirky dude in Twin Peaks. The macabre setting, the haunting soundtrack all makes for a desolate, can't get enough of, dark and dreary, Peyton's Place. Everyone smokes, screws around on their significant other and owns a gun. All very, very interesting. Who killed Laura Palmer? We don't know yet, one more season to go.

...and if anyone knows, who is Diane? :)

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

"Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."

I love that line. Last night, two Charlie Brown Christmas specials were on TV. I managed to get my daughter out of her room long enough to break away from the DS (well, kind of) and watch them with me. "Just indulge me," I pleaded. She was reluctant, but didn't realize that's what my holidays were like growing up. Rudolf, Frosty, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Charlie Brown; they were a BIG deal. My family would set out time for these and we'd have popcorn or some other snack and sit down and watch them to get into the spirit of the season. Good memories for me. I want to share them with my daughter. She may not "get" it, but it helps me to remember times that were free and problems that were few.

I'm trying to establish our own set of traditions and it's hard because the youth of today are so plugged in, that parents have to really make a concerted, consistent effort to pry their little fingers away from the controls. This year, I'm taking her to the Nutcracker, a fire Solstice celebration and a Garden d'Lights exhibition in Bellevue. A few years back, we even made cookies while listening to John Denver. Not my best moment, but it was fun singing, "thank God I'm a country boy!" while icing the stars. Who can say they've done that!

'Tis the Season!

Winter Solstice

I used to actively delve into the alternative forms of religion. What seems long ago, in reality, is just five years ago. It began with an All Hallow's Eve ritual here in Seattle and then a Yule ritual that same year. I bought books, I read on all alternative religions and finally came to the realization that I am too much of an individual to follow any one doctrine. I like to "customize" my belief system and take from many, mostly from the old pagan traditions and the rest from Buddhism. So, my interest hasn't necessarily waned, just my practice of it has. In 2009, my goal is to celebrate all the sabbats and hopefully attend a solstice celebration next year. The solstice coming up; Winter Solstice. A beautiful time of year when we celebrate the darkness because without it, there would be no light. A time celebrated long before the birth of Jesus and in many different forms throughout the world. In Rome, for example, Saturnalia it was called and from them came the Mummers; people who would go from home to home singing the joys of the season and that is where Christmas Caroling came from. This December, I want to remember why we truly put up a tree, kiss under the mistletoe and burn the yule log in our fire, figuratively or literally. It is interesting to note the many symbols we take for granted and credit the Christian religion when it should really belong to our fore mothers and forefathers.

Yule: def. Wheel, or a symbol for the sun.
Symbolizes the pagan God Mithras in Northern Europe. Burning a yule log celebrates
the inevitable return of the sun because after Solstice, each day gets longer by the
minute.

Mistletoe: Sacred plant considered to be prosperous and used in early fertility rituals. Druid in
origin. Also a plant for love and peace.

Hollyberries: Thought to be good food to offer to the Gods.

The Tree: "Live evergreen trees were often brought into homes during the harsh winters as a reminder to inhabitants that soon their crops would grow again. Evergreen boughs were sometimes carried as totems of good luck and were often present at weddings, representing fertility. The Druids used the tree as a religious symbol, holding their sacred ceremonies while surrounding and worshiping huge trees."
-taken from http://www.essortment.com/all/christmaspagan_rece.htm

These are just a few. I remember one year, I celebrated the Winter Solstice by sitting on my kitchen floor, lighting the room by a few candles and decorating a wreathe in honor of the sun god. I placed it on my door. I celebrated alone that night and it was beautiful.

This year, I will try, (as my sister is begging me to do) to be calm, not let others annoy me or let me annoy myself! I will spend time with my daughter, shop online only and enjoy a quiet, relaxing Christmas with the people that really matter in my life. And for those who I can't see this Christmas, let them know they mean the world to me.

Superfluous

What a great word.
Superfluous is.....

-my yarn collection
-my yarn obsession
-some people's homes
-subwoofers....woofers in general :)
....If I think of more, I'll add it to my list today. I shall say this word as often as possible today.

Reality Check

I recently had a friend tell me that this blog of mine is a bit personal. That it made her uncomfortable to read it. My answer is, don't read it. It's my blog, it's my life and I can write whatever I feel and that's okay. It's a blog! I know it's public. I think I know all of four people in my close circle of family and friends who actually read it. I honestly don't really care who thinks what. The rest, well, they can go to the next blog if they don't like it. That's the beauty of a blog, you can be anonymous and noticed all at the same time. I never put anything on here that I don't wish for anyone to see. I'm not looking to get comments. It's not for the benefit of the public, it's for the benefit of myself. I'm an open book and harbor no secrets, nor wish to. I have no reason to keep hush-hush about my feelings. This is more of a writing therapy for me and it helps to get it out in the universe of all the good, the bad and the ugly things out there that cross my mind. To set intentions that I most of the time don't voice out loud. So, I will continue to vacillate between serious and downright random subjects. Happy blogging!

Abundance

Thanksgiving hasn't been my favorite holiday. It just seems an excuse to overeat excessive amounts of sleep-inducing turkey and indulge in one more piece of that pie. Whip cream please.

For me, I never look forward to it. It's just not that big of deal, nor is it historically pleasing.

This time of year also reminds me of how much I need companionship. I like curling up on the couch with someone, holding their hand and just...being. I miss touch, smell and the presence of someone who is right there with me, in all aspects of my life. I remember my first Thanksgiving with my ex-husband. I had decided to forgo the family dinner and make my own. I made a traditional Irish dinner; lamb stew, soda bread, the works. It was by far, the best
Thanksgiving dinner I've ever had. Just my daughter, my husband and me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not him I miss, it's the idea of him. Times that used to be better.

I've been single for 2 1/2 years now and I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that I may never share my life with someone again. It's not that I need or have to have someone to be happy; because I don't. I think as humans, we are programmed to "mate" and to be with someone and often times we get a bit panicky or desperate and just settle because the person is just there and it's convenient. I'm just very much in tune with that drive for companionship. It's a bit saddening. I feel complete in the rest of my life, yet find it hard to watch couples kissing or go over to my married, or otherwise involved friends' houses. I'm happy for them, but what have I done to not have that in my life? My default to blame myself is very strong.

In conclusion, this time of year is to celebrate my family, myself and all that I have, not what I don't. I am content...but I can't help but wonder...Is there really someone out there for everyone?

She stands in a vertical corner, shoes pointed out, toes in. Her skirt swirls to her sway. The corduroy lines flowing to the curve of her thighs greeting the airbrushed ankles.

Green runs through her veins igniting her aged hands alight with labor.

Her hair softens the chiseled line of hardness and melts into eyes like black coffee oils down a white cheek.

Breasts heavy, heart lifted, teetering on a jagged edge of hope.

A voice in the corner tells her it’s alright for one more day.

Hang on, hang on to the tight rope that leads the way.

Don’t be afraid to fall; for falling leads to a decay of right and wrong.

Walk, walk the fine line of desire, want, need.

A scorned mother disciplines always, smacks the labored hands into submission once more. Credibility gone. Confidence shattered.

Get back up on the wobbly stallion.

Slick black, damaged hooves that know the way well.

Travel well dear one.

Another sign

This morning, driving to work, I saw a bumper sticker. What did it say? DOULA, at the heart of birth, or something like that. That, my friends is another sign. I've NEVER seen a Doula bumper sticker before. I mean, I didn't even know they MADE them. I think the powers of the universe are trying to tell me something. The fates can't just kick me in the gut. They have to be subtle about it and make me think. Think. Think. I must begin checking this out. I will give myself a goal to check it out after the holidays. The first of 2009 will be my quest to see if I am destined to be a midwife or a Doula. Until then dear friends....

Quote for the Weekend

"How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said." ~Victor Hugo

Signs

Things have been happening to me a bit too easily lately. My apartment just sort of fell into my lap. My daughter is amazing and is the pride of my life and as a 13 year-old, really doesn't give me any trouble. I'm feeling very content in life and actually learning how to relax and brush things off my shoulders a bit. I've felt a heavy load for many years and I believe it's starting to lighten up. I'm actually sleeping like a baby for the first time in years.

I'm also a big believer in signs and intuition. I don't think we as a human race listen to our guts. Instead we usually ignore the flags and continue on a path of unhappiness. I'm choosing to no longer apologize for what I feel or for what I want out of life. That said, I've been messing around with two ideas: Either going back to school to get a Masters in teaching K-8-Biology or English OR owning my own yarn shop. However, a third factor plays in. I've also entertained the idea of getting my Midwife or Doula certification. So what happens when I take my dog out for a walk last night in the lovely enchanted park behind my apartment building? Seattle's Midwifery School. Smack dab in the middle of beauty. It's a sign. I think I should listen to my instincts and take it for what it is. Decisions, decisions.

Daydream for the day

I keep spacing off into nowhere-land today. An innate desire to be somewhere else, someone else, doing something else. Sometimes it's hard to feel comfortable just where I am. To just be. My daydream today, on this beautiful Fall afternoon is imagining that I am at the Arboretum going barefoot in the grass, walking at a snail's pace, taking in all the sounds, smells of rotting leaves and algae-crusted waters. I want to feel the slight breeze in my hair as I pull it back because it's still a bit too warm out. It's the kind of warm where I can do without a coat, but my nose is freezing and it starts to run, yet I have little beads of sweat from just walking up the hill. To feel as if I have not a care in the world because lately I feel rather anonymous, like the world could easily do without me; but I know my role. I know I belong here and now, be it alone or not. This time of year, I feel very cuddly. This urge to cuddle up to someone I care about and just be. Maybe someday that will happen again. For now, I have enjoy the cold alone, the grass alone, the smells alone. I think it's a strength in being a woman. It builds character. I never used to think so, but somethings change and so have I.

Moving Day

Moving day has happened..with few casualties. Wake up to an inordinately early alarm, drag my daughter to her ultimate frisbee games. Taking score so that she can properly do Monday announcements for her team. A brutal team they played at that. Never saw so many kids down. They lost by one point. So moving was postponed until 1 pm. My mother and her husband make an appearance at around 12:30. I suggest that the U-haul truck be parked in the driveway. Oh, wait, I don't SEE a U-haul truck. I'm thinking to myself as I calmly look the other way to avoid any unwanted glares, "Where the F*@! is my truck!" My mother, a small town gal, thinks that she can get a U-haul on the morning of the move. I shake my head in utter disbelief and say, "Mom, you can't get anything in this city the same day!" So, downtrodden she goes off to try to find another truck. Meanwhile, I'm in the desolate living room that used to be my living space and speedily click away on Google trying to find a truck. Bam! did and done. Thank you Budget Rentals.

Moving begins. My sister, bless her sweet little boot-camp soul, starts hauling boxes out to the garage. She is a mere blur as she swiftly moves from room to room. Then stares at me in the face on occasion in a moment of heart-felt love and grabs me and says, "I love you! I love your face!" Ahh...my sister. Other times weren't so nicey-nicey. Like, "Let's do this thing!" The one and only. No slackin' with this chick! She is kicking my ass all over the place and taking names! Did I mention that I love her?!

So my mom's husband brings the wrapping materials. Super-heavy-industrial-strength Saran wrap. Heavy sucker too. Well, I nearly pee my pants trying to wrap my couch because it's harder than it looks! So out of breath, crying from laughing so hard and my daughter just looking at us like we are all insane...and she would be fairly accurate.

Suffice it to say, it took us all day to do this. One truck load, a few Volvo wagon loads later, (I felt like the Ikea commercial) and my sister's boyfriend's assistance with his truck and we are moved. Only one casualty; my yarn shelf. Cracked in half. But, there are other shelves in this world. I shall find the right one again soon.

All in all, a good day. Exhausting day. It must be said that I am forever grateful for all the help my mom, her husband, my sister and her boyfriend put into this move. They are truly my dearest family and I love them all. Greg, you deserve a thank-you too. He had my daughter and I over for dinner last night for some REAL food. Turkey, potatoes, brussel sprouts, dark chocolate, Vodka Tonic and a fire to warm my toes. I think this has been a good move and I'm looking forward, thinking forward and holding onto any bit of hope that comes my way. What a way to end an amazing weekend and a hope for better times ahead.

friends

It's funny that in times of need, you find out who your friends and family really are. It's really too bad that I have to wait until I'm in need of help or in a dire situation, or crying or something all-time dramatic and then they all start coming out of the woodwork. And it always surprises me. The most unexpected people offer support and kindness. I am moving this weekend and I don't have to stress how much of a burden, although a good one, it is. It's just an ordeal no matter who you are. People who I thought were my friends, nothing. People who are mere acquaintances, offered. Even my boss offered me the company hand-truck! One good thing out of this revelation, once again, is that I know who I can count on to be there through thick AND thin and the best part, is I get to be there for them too.

Thank you to all who have wished me well in the move and offered to help.

Changes

Going about the many places I have to go every week, it's interesting just in my ten years of living in Seattle, the small changes in scenery. The ugly condos going up everywhere I turn. The same riff-raff that litters our streets where I work. The dependable bus system that someone somewhere has called one of the best in the country (not sure that is true) But one thing I noticed the other day was this older man that jaywalked across the street as I drove by. He was the same homeless man that I used to see on a daily basis when I went to school at the UW. I'd catch the bus everyday after classes on the Ave and he would be roaming his "territory." I often wondered what his story was. Why he ended up cold, hungry, alone. His care-worn face and dirty nails, always the same. Though a poor student (and still poor) I would always give him my spare change and smile. After all, that's all they want, a smile, a nod, maybe even a conversation which I'd give him too. He would gladly accept and go get a cup of coffee at the local European deli. It didn't matter if he was there on his own volition or if society had forced him to be homeless. I didn't care. Seeing him the other day made my heart ache because there he was, in the same area, same face, just a few more lines, and still homeless. It's strange how so much changes, yet some things always stay the same.

"Is that a geoduck in your pocket or are you just glad sashimi?"

DIRTY

You know, sometimes I just need a good belly laugh. A raucous, I don't-care-how-silly-I-look-laugh. I had that last night. My daughter curled up on the couch with me and we watched Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe. I was laughing so hard, I had tears in my eyes. I love it! Good family fun and a little education on the side does the trick. Can't wait for new episodes! His Rowe-isms are great! (see above) That cute smile of his and just all around well....nice. Is he single?

Song of the day....

Passenger Seat - Death Cab for Cutie

This song makes me happy for some reason. It sounds monumentally depressing, but it's really a hopeful, lovely song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy8m90clHgw

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

One last song...I promise

Okay, I'm listening to this song a lot! It reminds me of someone and I just have to include it in music that is getting me through. I saw Depeche Mode in concert and they were just as good as I thought they'd be and better. David Gahan is the bomb! He is sooooo hot in this pic.

Long live Depeche Mode:

Free Love Lyrics

If you've been hiding from love
If you've been hiding from love
I can understand where you're coming from
I can understand where you're coming from

If you've suffered enough
If you've suffered enough
I can understand what you're thinking of
I can see the pain that you're frightened of

And I'm only here
To bring you free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

I've been running like you
I've been running like you
Now you understand why I'm running scared
Now you understand why I'm running scared

I've been searching for truth
I've been searching for truth
And I haven't been getting anywhere
No I haven't been getting anywhere

And I'm only here
To bring you free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

Hey girl
You've got to take this moment
Then let it slip away
Let go of complicated feelings
Then there's no price to pay

We've been running from love
We've been running from love
And we don't know what we're doing here
No we don't know what we're doing here

We're only here
Sharing our free love
Let's make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

My work as a parent has come to fruition....

Why? You might just ask. I came of age in the '80's; the best decade of epic/big haired rock. Good times indeed. So, my utmost musical goal in life is to impart to my daughter the importance of such things. I have succeeded. My heart swelled two times its size when what do my wandering ears should hear but Journey pumping through my daughter's bedroom the other day. Oh yeah. Don't Stop Believing, Faithfully. Oh, I was proud. I was very, very proud. A goofy smile spread across my face and I actually giggled and clapped my hands. I peeked into her room and just gave her this approving grin. Understood. Now, one might think that was enough to leave this world with. Oh no my friend. More to come. She is now taking an after school program of Blues Guitar and after I picked her up yesterday she said her goal is to learn how to play Sweet Child 'O Mine from Guns 'N Roses. I nearly wrecked the car. Once again, proud, proud moment. To all of you epic/big hair band fans out there, this is for you too. If I can do it, so can you.

Final song for a while...

1000 Miles Away, Jewel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6bUHw3s8B8

It's morning time, wonder where you are
wonder who you're talking to
wonder if the sun has risen where you are
it's morning time, i miss your hands on my skin
this bed's too big without you
oh god, what do i do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and I'm lying next to you.

The sun shines golden, and I feel like my car
a little run down, a little beat up, maybe just a little green
maybe it's my battery, maybe it's my starter,
maybe my heart's too weak
there's just this feeling, thought I had to get going
got too scary, got too big, got to get out of here
but now i don't know how to get home.
oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Mama says take my vitamins,
daddy says "girl, don't stay out so late"
sister says "there's other fishes in the sea"
but love is not a rational thing, and my heart is beyond advice
no, love is not a rational thing
oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

these fields stretch out like patchwork, on my granny's quilt
she used to tell me that
"life is a series of strange and mysterious things
one minute you think you're up, the next you find you're down"
your mind says "girl, you gotta stick around"
but your heart says "I'm too weak in the knees"
oh god, what do I do?
I'm a thousand miles away, and lying next to you.

Weekend song.

Nada Surf's "Are you Lightening?" Lovely song that I can't stop listening to.

check it out on youtube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OKNNfD-BRs

And so we meet and there are sparks,
Its gold it's new and free from sharks,
Your house is big it seems so clean,
Your cleaning lady comes and we're discreet.

Are you lightning?
'Cause I'm waiting.
What's the timing?
I'm not playing.

And so I act like I'm 21,
Wide eyed and drifting unto sun,
Pay back is here my legs are numb,
I'm back, it's square one feeling dumb.

The sweet things,
When do they come?
Have I gone deaf?
What's the song?
Are you lightning?
'Cause I'm waiting,
This is frightening,
I'm not playing.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...

I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep,
I see you through the mirror
You sing we're not to steal.

The only thing I'm scared of is the secret that you keep,
I know where you are, I dunno where you are.
Don't make the other wonder the others might sting,
Tell me what you're thinking,
Do not let me twist.
Just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep,
I see you with something that's funny I hear you I almost weep,

I see you from my steps, you're walking up my street,
But just look at the size of you.

I see you in my sheets, I see you in my sleep,
I see you from my steps you're walking up my street.

And just look at the size of you,
The sun shine on and on...
The sun shine on and on...

Today's song

I plan on maybe spinning some wool tonight and I always love to hear a little Kate Rusby to go along with it. She delivers me to a different level of thought. Those of you who love a little Irish music, listen to her "10" album. It won't disappoint.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmWv0ho9IVc&feature=related

Lyrics to Over You Now :
Although I once feared I'd be lonely
Although I once feared I'd be down
Although you once cradled me only
Just look at me over you now Just look at me over you now

Although I once slept by you soundly
Now awake and alone I lay down
Although my heart grieved for you loudly
Just look at me over you now Just look at me over you now

As I followed you I was learning
But my heavy heart slowed me down
It felt like my whole world was burning
But look at me over you now
Oh look at me over you now
Oh look at me over you now
I hope that I'm over you now

Today's Song

Damien Rice's Blower's Daughter. I don't think this one needs an explanation.

Lyrics

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Tori Amos

Tori has gotten me through some pretty rough times. Today, it's her song called "Strange" from Scarlet's Walk, 2002 release.
This song resonates with me on many, many levels.

Lyrics

strange
thought i knew you well
thought i had read the sky
thought i had read a change
in your eyes to strange
woke up to a world
that i am not a part
except when i can play
it's stranger
after all what were you really looking for
and i wonder when will i learn
blue isn't red everybody knows this

and i wonder when will i learn
when will i learn
guess i was in
deeper than i thought i was
if i have enough love
for the both of us

"just stay"
you said "we'll build a nest"
so i left my life
tried on your friends
tried on your opinions.
so when the bridges froze
and you did not come home
i put our snowflake
under a microscope
after all what was i really looking for
and i wonder when will i learn
maybe my wish knew better than i did
and i wonder so strange now
i'm finally in
the party has begun
it's not like i can't feel you still
but strange what i will leave behind
you call me one more time
but now i must be leaving

All about the music

Music is playing a significant role in my life right now. Posts are primarily going to be lyrics to a song that resonates with me for a while. Today it is a song from KT Tunstall's 2006 Acoustic album, called "Throw Me A Rope." It's a beauty of a song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSkmtJfu3WY




Lyrics

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below, That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me

Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me Cause I feel alone

Dylan

I've never been a huge Bob Dylan fan. I think it has more to do with watching him than it does listening to him. His lyrics are hard not to like. For some reason, I've been listening to the Jason Mraz cover of "A Hard Rain's a Gonna Fall" for quite some time. It resonates with me lately and I have no reasonable explanation why, only that I it makes me feel sadness and relief all at the same time. It covers me like a my favorite blanket.

Take a listen.
http://www.last.fm/music/Jason+Mraz/_/A+Hard+Rain's+A-Gonna+Fall

Why I love the color Green...

How can one not love Kermie?

The Color Psychology of Green

• Green is a cool color that symbolizes nature and the natural world.


• Green also represents tranquility, good luck, health, and jealousy.


• Researchers have also found that green can improve reading ability. Some students may find that laying a transparent sheet of green paper over reading material increases reading speed and comprehension.


• Green has long been a symbol of fertility and was once the preferred color choice for wedding gowns in the 15th-century. Even today, green M & M's (an American chocolate candy) are said to send a sexual message.


• Green is often used in decorating for its calming effect. For example, guests waiting to appear on television programs often wait in a “green room” to relax.


• Green is thought to relieve stress and help heal. Those who have a green work environment experience fewer stomachaches.

• It's the color of the heart Chakra

In many folklores and literatures, green has traditionally been used to symbolize nature and its embodied attributes, namely those of life, fertility, and rebirth. Green was symbolic of resurrection and immortality in Ancient Egypt; the god Osiris was depicted as green-skinned. Stories of the medieval period further portray it as representing love and the base, natural desires of man. Green is also known to have signified witchcraft, devilry and evil for its association with faeries and spirits of early English folklore.

Why I love Moths

My business is called LunaKnits. I was recently asked by someone I met the other day why I like moths and butterflies so much. I answered it was their process of life. How they progressed, yet lived for such a short bit of time. Here are some interesting thoughts on moths and butterflies I found on various internet sites.

Sensuality It may be somewhat difficult to understand why a moth or butterfly could symbolize sensuality, and the symbol does trace a rather circuitous route. Because a moth is physically attracted to light, and because sensuality involves physical attraction, the moth has come to symbolize sensuality; it physically succumbs to seductive light. Also, because butterflies represents femininity, and females are most often associated with the word sensual, the butterfly has also become associated with the word sensual.
________________________________________________________

Beauty of Color, Shape, Pattern, Symmetry

Lo, the bright train their radiant wings unfold!
With silver fringed, and freckled o'er with gold:
On the gay bosom of some fragrant flower
They, idly fluttering, live their little hour;
Their life all pleasure, and their task all play,
All spring their age, and sunshine all their day.

Butterflies and moths are "Nature's canvases with the gift of flight." Even in death, their mounted beauty can remain intact for centuries. Nature's genetic paintbrushes have "painted" hundreds of thousands bilaterally-symmetrical butterfly and moth works of art. When one considers that both the topsides and the undersides of these specimens are "painted" with equal skill, and that smaller, isolated sections of these masterpieces can be viewed apart from the total specimen, one becomes aware of the virtually unlimited number of artworks in this "traveling" art show of the air.

____________________________________________________________

The moth continues to be under the influence in matters of love. She emits pheromones that are powerfully strong, attracting her male counterpart through the dark nights. These scented trails can be followed for remarkable distances. Here we see animal symbolism of:

• Suggestion
• Attraction
• Allure

The female moth is subtle in her scent, wafting out like a loving tendril pulling in her mate. She has no doubt about her ability to attract her lover (those pheromones are powerfully effective!). Us humans would do well to follow the same cue. We do not have to be overt in our advances to attract our mates. Rather, the art of subtle allure can be learned from the moth.

The New

Awake is the new sleep

Melancholy is the new happy

Accidental is the new intentional

Animal is the new human

Middle class is the new poor

Passivity is the new sincerity

Sunday

Late Sunday afternoon. Two sisters, making their way through all the muckety-muck of the city, enjoying a sunny, although a bit-too-warm of a day. Too much sun means nap time. Sitting in my sun-drenched apartment I get my sister's feet soaking in my foot tub. The smell of Sweet Pea permeates the room. Enya is playing on the computer and I am asked to turn off the lights and "rest a bit."

"This music is nice," she says.
"Yes, it is very relaxing," I mumble.
"It makes me think of a certain shade of blue," she says.
Suzy makes that cozy sleepy smile you get when your belly is full, your feet are soaked and you're ready for cat-nap time in a soft red blankie.
"It makes me feel like I'm in the 1700's heading for the guillotine to get beheaded on orders from the King," I flatly say.

Two hours later...I have obviously watched too much of The Tudors and my sister obviously knows how to relax.

I love ya sis. I hope you are feeling better today.
Big pumped up heart to you!

Laughing ensues. Ahhh...it's good to be sisters. How different we are.

Theme song for the year

Everyone needs a theme song. This is mine, at least until the end of the year. Then, I'll have to chose a different one. Until then, all you Guns 'n Roses fans out there....rock on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEzuC5UoM8g

Just a little patience.

New Music

Two Words:
Liam O Maonlai

He is amazing. Gaelic is pretty much a dying language and he has brought it back, in full swing. I've always loved the name Liam. If I ever had a boy, his name would be Liam.
Check him out!

I should be sleeping....

It's 11:32 and I just finished a knitting project. Must share the knitting. It's gorgeous. An orange one to come. Friends on Ravelry, you must try this one! I feel like a movie star when I wear it.

also, my friend gave me a doggie bed and my little guy just loves it!

Strumpets

A word that is not used enough. It's a great word. I'm on a mission today to find any quote that contains the word "strumpet." http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/strumpet

I've recently started watching The Tudors and besides being nothing but eye candy for lusting women, they happened to use the word strumpet last night and then well, my mind couldn't stop repeating the word. It just rolls off the tongue. I think it's even better than your average curse word. It's as if you spit it out. You don't say it, you spit it out.

"There's not a modest maiden elf
But dreads the final Trumpet
Lest half of her should rise herself
And half some sturdy strumpet!" Thomas Hardy


Jack Sparrow: You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you? Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp.

Oh ya! Hottest Pirate EVER!

Buffy, Buffy, Buffy, keep those Buffy's coming...

Quirk No. 10

I consider myself one of the biggest fans of Joss Whedon out there. There may be others; in fact I'm sure of it, but that I am a crazy fan, is worthy enough to make it quirk no. 10. I even had the Buffy theme song as a ring tone on my cell phone for a few years. I might even be Buffy for Halloween this year. :) Blonde wig and all.

Quote of the Day:

“Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that count. That's when you find out who you are.” Joss Whedon

Quote of the weekend...

“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.”

Joss Whedon (Spike to Buffy)

I am the biggest Buffy fan ever. I've converted another one..my sister. Last night, Buffy episodes. Good, good, good times. I want a Spike.

Quote of the Day and Action Heros

I'm really into Pooh quotes right now. A.A. Milne was a genius. I loved Pooh. Still do. It's the sweetest out there as far as innocence goes.

"Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake."

Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)

Onto other important matters: ACTION HEROS

Well, I'm on okcupid.com. Not necessarily serious about it, but they have these really fun tests like, what kind of dog would you be, or what kind kitchen appliance are you? It's totally insane and fun to answer and few questions, and BAM! you're it. I took an Action Hero test yesterday and I'm proud to say that I am John McLain from Die Hard! I love those films. I rock!

Here is what it said about me:
You Have A Very High Sense Of Humor, And Love Leaving The Bad Guy To Feel About An Inch Tall. Not Only Can You Deliver A Knock Out Punch, But You Also Deliver A Knock Out Laugh. Though, The People Would Appreciate It If You Wouldn't Destroy So Much Of The City.

Memories

This morning I got up, first day of school for my daughter, turned on the radio and OMD was playing. Ahhh, OMD. Good times. I remember, my family living in a 3-bedroom town home in Yakima, summer time and the living was rather good. Nothing had happened in my life yet, so no need for regrets or sadness. All I worried about was how good my tan was going to get and how soon my boyfriend could come over. I had my walkman on, tuned in to OMD, "I Was So In Love With You" playing as I squirted lemon juice on my hair so that I could get primo highlights. Of course, I'm Irish and German, so the tan was more a joke than anything. The only reason I was a bit darker was due to the enormous amounts of freckles that popped up as each hour went by.

I got a bit of advice the other day: Do what I enjoy in life and good things will come to me. Well, I think I already do that, but patience has never been one of my virtues. Stellar in the patience department, I am not. But I'm willing to continue on. In the past I've left my life, I tried on my significant other's friends and thoughts and turned into someone that wasn't me. I vow never to do that again. Maybe that was where I went wrong in a big way. I won't apologize for who I am, what I look like or the way I feel any longer. I'm me, I'm stellar in my own light and those who choose to be in my life will have to just love the whole of me. Onto enjoying a beautiful life!

Quote of the Day

"I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying."
— Nelson Mandela

Bobbles & more bobbles

I have a theory about bobble heads and stuffed animals in peoples' car windows. First of all, why? I'm driving along and pull up behind a car filled with stuffed animals and/or bobble headed creatures. I've been assaulted by inanimate objects! The theory is that these people have nothing better to do than stock-pile stuffed things and wobbly-bobbly things in their car. Somehow, these people have been deprived of their childhood and now they are just screaming for attention and they are sure getting it, just the wrong kind. I can just imagine the big haired woman in the driver's seat smoking a cigarette with her ugly rat-dog on her lap, adjusting her windshield pets thinking back on all the birthdays she never got a single stuffed animal she wanted. But, now! Look at her go. She has 500 of them in her car window. The pride is overwhelming and as she adjusts that hideous wiener bobble dog, she swerves into my lane and I give her my best stink-eye and am reminded how much I hate those stupid things in the window.

Onto other subjects: I taught my knitting class last night. They are women I've had in classes before and I am just delighted that I get the privilege to help them continue their knitting journey. I had a bad day yesterday; working on two hours of sleep and unbelievable loneliness and I see the yarn shop and instantly know that I am where I'm supposed to be. I have my students to thank because they give me what I don't get enough of. So, if my students are reading this, thank you for being there! I slept well last night. :)

Socks

Quirk No. 9: Socks

I don't buy store-bought socks. I haven't for many years. I knit all socks that I wear. They just last longer and you have to admit, they are pretty cute. I love my socks and they last for many years.












I also just finished a project: Knit from Y2Knit: Flirty Tank. It has some minor mistakes, but if you know what you're doing, it's fine. Check it out!

Bath time...

Quirk No. 8: Enya

Well, I'm having a hard time coming up with more quirks. I know I must have them, but I don't really pay attention to them. So, here is one more that I can think of. When I take a bubble bath, I always have to have candles lit and listen to Enya. It is just the way that it is. Bathtime = Enya. Sometimes I might throw in some Celtic Harp Music, but 99.999% of the time, it's Enya. But since I don't have a tub, I haven't done that in a while, but when I can borrow tub for a bit, I bring Enya along.

Quote of the Day:
"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

cleaning it all out...

Quirk No. 7: Bags

I am a bag lady. I love bags. I want bags. I need bags. My motto is that a woman cannot have too many bags. Yet, that is not the quirk so much as what I do with my bag in certain situations. Every time I go to a coffee shop with my sister, or anyone I know for that matter, I clean out my purse. Fully. I strategically go about cleaning out my purse. I'd rather do it in a coffee shop, than in my own place, for some reason. I don't like cleaning out my purse at home. I've tried it and it just doesn't feel right.

Last night, my sister and I didn't meet at a coffee shop. She made me dinner! So, two White Russians later, and a lovely neck massage from the hands of my goddess sister, and I'm good to go. Thanks sis! Much love.

food

Quote of the Day:

"You learn to like someone when you find out what makes them laugh, but you can never truly love someone until you find out what makes them cry."

Author: Unknown
______________________

Quirk No. 6: Nuts & Salad

I never used to like nuts. Just the honey roasted peanuts. Now, I've come to appreciated nuts and actually like the taste of them. BUT! Only on the side. No nuts in any of my food, not fudge, brownies, salads; no nuts. It's all about the texture and I believe that nuts should be had alone. Only nuts on the side. If someone serves food to me and it has nuts, I will pick out the nuts, set them on the side of my plate and eat the rest. As for salad, I always leave one or two leaves of salad on my plate. I never, ever, finish a salad completely. I don't know why, I just always leave a few remains. I'm very aware of it too. I make sure to always leave a few leaves of lettuce. Maybe it's some deep seated superstition that involves lettuce. I cannot explain.

Stars...

Quirk No. 5: Stars

I still wish upon the North Star. It's the same wish every time: Good health and happiness. There is nothing like a starry night sky to be in awe of the universe we are in. I remember my best friend and I in high school used to sit out on her front lawn and look at the night sky and try to figure out the constellations. We had a star map and everything. It was wonderful to be that age and do nothing but look at the sky all night.

Oh, update on the earplug search from previous post: I must have them!!!!!
http://earplugs.ecrater.com/

Quote of the Day:
"They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love."

William Shakespeare

Lips

Didn't post a quirk yesterday, Oops, here goes

Quirk No. 4: Lips

When I apply lipstick, lip balm, or other lip treatment, it doesn't matter what it is, I have to curl my upper lip to my nose and sniff it. Just once, but it must be done. Quick as lightening. My sister and her boyfriend just noticed this about me the other day. They keep teasing me about it. Damn! I thought I did it to where no one could see. I've been caught and now, it's here for the whole world to read. But, I've been told only one person reads my blog anyway, so maybe no one cares. Anyway, another quirk that can only be appreciated by moi!

Au revoir

Quote of the Day

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

Erich Segal

Hair

Quirk No. 3: Hair

I twist, twirl or rub my hair against my fingers for two reasons; I'm trying to figure something out or it's a dead give away that I am interested in a guy. I try to be aware of it, but sometimes, the habit is, well, just too much of a habit.

Off to hiking with two great friends. Great Saturday ahead!

Ears

Quirk No. 2: Ears (I may have a theme here)

I wear pink earplugs to bed every night. I could choose the ugly earplugs at the store, but no, it must be pink. I love the earplugs that Audrey Hepburn wore in Breakfast at Tiffany's, but can't find those kind anywhere. I even have my own container. If I use all my earplugs up and forget to get more, I start to get nervous. See above pictured on my pillow. Aren't they cute? Another quirk to be happy about.

Toes...

Well, no toes yet, but soon enough friends.

Today I set out to spend time with my sister and thought we'd have an ordinary day. To our great surprise, it is NEVER just an ordinary day with my sister. So after I got up off my butt and picked her up, we went to my favorite yarn shop. I used to work there and every now and then a visit must be made. So in I enter and it was a veritable Christina Fest! Hugs all around. Familiar faces from the regulars on Thursday mornings. It was wonderful. I felt special and so special I even turned down a Cinnabon because my body just didn't need it. I met my client, she tipped me another fifty bucks (woohoo!) and we stayed for a bit and knit and drank tea; Coconut Pouchong.

Then we decided to head to lunch. I treated my sister to a vegetarian lunch at Cafe Flora. A beautiful little place in the heart of Madison Ave. We sat in the atrium next to the rock waterfall and took in the sunlight and the beautiful surroundings of plants and other foliage. Enter left, cute waiter. He had eyelashes like butterfly wings. He could have coaxed me into buying just about anything today. He leaned down, looked at me just a bit too long and smiled. (heart melting right about now) I settled for the bean burger, yam fries and sauce to die for! Topped off with rosemary lemonade. Delicious. While sitting have a moment with my sibling, I noticed a little girl across the way. She had a floral frock on, a fuzzy sweater, and sparkly silver flats. Her lovey, a little purple stuffed thing sat on her lap making sure she was safe while her thumb was in her mouth. She twirled her hair and rubbed her nose all at the same time. It reminded me of my pictures as a child. I sucked my thumb until I was five and twirled my hair and still do. The picture of innocence made me smile. We packed up, I left the waiter a generous tip and we left.

The arboretum followed. We took a chance on the weather and it treated us well. We walked along the grass path with our shoes off and giggled and stopped at the lily pads and tried to look for frogs. None. My sister even tried to 'ribbit.' No go. Another time. More mud in between our toes. I told my sister, "My feet are thanking me right now!" I even made a little voice as if my feet and I had a special relationship. She laughed and took it to many extremes and, well, we are strange. Then, here comes the best part. A man was walking our way holding a backpack with a plaid shirt tied around his waist. That was it. No clothes besides that. I noticed his strategically placed tattooes and his long hair pulled back and chiseled face. Niiice. Then I looked back. "Suzy, he is naked!" I looked back again and he dropped his shirt. Wow, butt shot. He smiled. I thought it a bit deranged but it's not every day that I get mooned by a tight looking fella. I don't know where he was heading but it was certainly a treat for me. I consider that a non-ordinary thing.

So onto Grateful Bread. Good place for coffee and music. It's a jumpy joint so we grabbed a table. She and I were knitting and these two little old ladies came up to us. They had to be in their eighties and she was admiring our work. Then she piped up and said, "I knit blankets for crack babies." And loudly too. I just about lost it. I don't think I've ever heard an old woman say crack baby. I almost couldn't help myself, but smiled and they went away. Strange days.

So, I've decided to enter a post everyday describing one quirky thing per day about myself. You know, crazy factoid, strange thing, whatever. It's an appreciation exercise and I want to appreciate all that I am.

Quirk No. 1: My Toes (See upper pic. Yes, my feet)

I have decided that I have Flintstone feet. They are square, they are flat and they are even cute. The quirky thing is: I never ever go without painting my toe nails. It's not a vanity thing. It's just because I can, so I do. This time, it's the Tuscan Sun color by Revlon. Lovely, don't you think? Tuscan Sun colored Flintstone feet. I like them.

tomorrow, Quirk No. 2? Who knows, stay tuned. : )

The August moon hung over our heads like a scolding parent
Yellow, disapproving, lonely.
Telling jokes to the stars at the absurdity of human nature.

Behind wind-storm clouds hiding her shame,
To begin it's waning in the summer night sky.

Sitting on a care-worn porch glistening over family truths,
yet more lies.

The wind whispers in my hair, blowing it dry before I lay down on a stranger's pillow.

Crickets harmonizing with the wind, lulling me to sleep as I lay tossing and turning in the small hours of the anxious night.
I hear my daughter restless next to me.

Thoughts of sun, smiles and memories float under my dreamy eyelids.
Nostalgia turns to melancholy...turns to truth to only a flutter of hope.

Where I lay is not where I belong.
Where I go, is not my destination.

What I hope is held in the August moon high above.


Author: Me

The little things

Sometimes I think about those days before I was permanently attached to a computer 8 hours out of my day. I used to go for long walks as a teenager to my favorite park. Franklin Park. It had towering beautiful trees and green grass that stretched over several acres. The grassy terraces that we used to dare each other to roll down or slide down on the snow in the winter are welcoming images of my coming of age. Another thing I think about is when I used to write. I had 11 journals by the age of 11 years-old. I loved the smell of a newly sharpened No. 2 pencil and the sound it made as it glided along the paper. Words that I couldn't or wouldn't divulge to others made it to a permanent home in my journal. I just recently rediscovered the beauty of writing, not on a computer, but with my No. 2 pencil. It's the same feeling I used to get. I need to do it more often and get back a bit to my roots.

A Dream....

Your smell still graces my fingers as I walk down this amber road. I reach in my purse to pull out the pink cream-pop gloss you so loved to lick off my eager lips last night. The sun catches the fly away hairs on my head and gleams golden in the early morning hours and a smile embraces my face and I can’t help but giggle a little bit. No one is around to catch the giddy motion in my step. It’s all mine to take in as I walk home. Cutting through the park, I look down and notice my blistered heel where the black pump made its mark as we danced. Unnoticed until now, because your eyes were all I could see. The air smells of mothers cooking eggs for their children and lights turn on like dominoes down this corridor of urban homes. Never have my senses been so keen as today, here and now this beautiful October morning.

An energy from my navel to my throat spins me into my building. I don’t remember how I got there, only that I was sitting at the kitchen table, nibbling on a juicy apple my mother had brought me yesterday. I glanced down at the passersby and ate it down to the core, letting its juice play on the skin of my chin. I slipped off my black dress and knew today and the next were going to be different. That somehow, between last week and this very moment, I had finally found myself and had really begun to experience every moment in real time; the cool canvas against my newly shaved thigh as I curl up on the couch to read my latest novel. The rough pages that slip through my fingers as I turn each page. The smell of black ink wafting up my nose as I appreciate all that is written and ever will be. The warm ceramic mug that holds the deep rich warmth I swallow for clarity and how the cream swirls like storm clouds.

It’s been too long since I’ve had something real; something tangible. Under no pretense of infallibility. A real sense that this too, could be lost. Could be gone forever if I don’t treat it carefully. The excitement is almost too much to handle. I lay on my bed, ready to sleep the morning away and the phone rings. It’s him.

I thought we killed it.

Spandex, that is. I saw an individual wearing shiny spandex shorts today. On an open sidewalk, in public, in broad daylight. I actually crinkled my little nose as I watched her walk. Not only was she wearing spandex, but they were turquoise in color accompanied by a navy blue tank and to top off this little tasty morsel of an outfit, hiking boots...with socks and a backpack. The gal thought she had it going on. Not meaning any judgment, but I thought the cosmos did away with shiny Spandex in 1988. I mean, I know this little revival of '80's garb is now considered "retro" but spandex is now under the guise of undergarments that hold unmentionables in or smooths out rolls and the like. Not open to the general society for viewing pleasure. Here is what Wiki says about Spandex.

Spandex or elastane is a synthetic fiber known for its exceptional elasticity. It is stronger and more durable than rubber, its major non-synthetic competitor. It was invented in 1959 by DuPont chemist Joseph Shivers. When first introduced it revolutionized many areas of the clothing industry. Spandex fibers are produced in four different ways including melt extrusion, reaction spinning, solution dry spinning, and solution wet spinning. All of these methods include the initial step of reacting monomers to produce a prepolymer. Once the prepolymer is formed it is reacted further in various ways and drawn out to produce a long fiber. The solution dry spinning method is used to produce over 90% of the world's spandex fibers.

Sounds like a painful process. I can just imagine the evolution of this fake fiber. Since 1959, fashion has taken many turns and comes back on itself like an ugly fungus. I even fell victim to the spandex craze. I wore pink, and I do mean bubblegum pink spandex shorts, outside and jogged in them. Keep in mind I was at the tender age of 16; certainly not in any frame of mind to be held responsible for that. I remember tanning my body with this lotion that practically turned me orange, went jogging later that day and realized, about 10 years later that I must have looked like an idiot. Not to mention that I'm not a skinny girl and only about 1% of the population could get away with wearing spandex without scaring the general public. It produces bulges and dimples in places we'd rather forget and makes you sweat and smell like a strange mixture of plastic and body odor. Not attractive by any means. The days of Xanadu skating is over. We need to move on and keep spandex hidden in the dark recesses of our mind, or in actual sportswear.

It's been a while.

So, my sister and I were talking the other day and I was telling her about this guy I've been seeing. I mentioned that he was in a band and that he was messing around with my daughter's guitar the other evening and I said it sounded very pretty and how I could have listened for hours...then...heaved a big sigh. My sister, darling, darling sister, just rolled her eyes and shook her head like she had all the wisdom in world and said, "Christy, you are a sentimentalist." I said, "No, I'm a hopeless romantic." She informed me that the two are indeed very different. So that provoked a challenge and off to the computer I go to do some research on the two elusive words I no longer really know the meaning of. Here is what I found.

Sentimental:

1. Expressive of or appealing to sentiment, esp. the tender emotions and feelings, as love, pity, or nostalgia: a sentimental song. (Yes, I admit it, I'm a nostalgic) 2. Weakly emotional; mawkishly susceptible or tender. (Weakly emotional? Mawkish? I take personal offense to that. Being sentimental, true, usually only offers complete and utter disappointment, but weak I am not.) Synonyms: Romantic (Aha!), tender (truly I am), nostalgic (yes, a lot and usually with some great mint chocolate chip ice cream), maudlin (That deserves a button) bathetic. Romantic: 1. Ardent, passionate, fervent. (If I am not, then I am not human) 2. Fanciful, impractical, unrealistic, romantic ideas. (I do tend to be unrealistic, but false hope is better than no hope at all) 3. Imbued with or dominated by idealism, a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc. (I am certainly not dominated by idealism, nor adventure because I am a creature of habit and chivalry is for the man in my opinion. I should be the effect of chivalry) 4. Characterized by a preoccupation with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved (I tend to be preoccupied by finding love, but it doesn't dominate my days and nights; Once it does, again, mint choco-chip ice-cream usually follows). So based on my findings, I would have to conclude that the two have just as many similarities as differences. However, if I must be put in a box and be labeled and shipped off, then I am a Sentimentalist because I am not: Extravagant, exaggerated, wild, fantastic, improbable nor unreal-as the "people" who define synonyms for Romantic say. What comes to mind is, what do I know anymore about love? I know that I've been divorced twice all before turning 34. I'm a single mother. I've been physically and emotionally abused by both ex-husbands. I've dated many people, dated even married men of which I am not proud of. I've been hurt so badly that I felt my heart was going to literally come out of my chest from such pain. I give myself whole and intensely to those I love. I have poor body image...yet I am a great person with a lot to offer. So what if I get sentimental about the little things? That's what life is all about. I have to hold onto whatever morsel of good I can get my possessive little hands on. Since I was 14, I wanted a husband, children, a house and to live with creativity and compassion. How is it that I've moved away from that goal so drastically? I'm now "seeing" someone, (whatever that means anymore), and don't know what it is I'm supposed to do. I'm just being me and that will have to do. I'm tired of being self-conscious and always wondering and guessing. I was told recently that this society is making it impossible to be romantic. I have to heartily disagree. We make it what we want to. Why should we follow society? There are plenty of romance out there. Sure, it may not come in a nice little neat and perfect package, but it IS out there. I don't want to be the reason someone lives for that is unhealthy. I want to be missed. I want to be needed. I want to be cared for. I want to be included. I want to share happiness. If that makes me a sentimentalist/hopeless romantic, than I'll live longer for it. Is my sister right? Maybe. I for one, am going to grab all I can and hope that I am worth holding on to.

The Bead Store

Last night, I took my daughter to voice lessons in Capital Hill. So as it would have it, I had an hour to loiter around the shops and look at all the weird people and have all the weird people look at me because apparently I looked too normal for the norm. Anyhow, up comes the bead store. I love, love, love, love, little shiny, sparkley things. I knit, so spending money on beads is no big. So I lounge through the small store, waiting for something to karmically reel me in. Finally I see it. A string of beads, the Amazonite stone. I must have it. I must, I must I must. So I then spend the next hour putting together "the look" "the feel" of the wearable art that I must own and wear with pleasure. Here is what I found on the Amazonite stone. No wonder it drew me in. So last night during the first episode of Battlestar Gallactica, I made the necklace and inserted my own style and it's gorgeous. I shall bask.

Folklore, Legend, and Healing Properties:

Enhances creative expression, aligns astral bodies, unity with life. Improves self worth. Amazonite is considered a soothing stone that offers confidence and works on the throat chakra. It is called the "hope stone" because it inspires confidence and hope. One source says it is useful to activate lazy teenagers.

A semi-opaque stone that was used extensively by the Egyptians it is called the stone of courage and is said to be named after the Amazon women warriors. Some archaeological evidence suggests that the Amazonians were a matriarchal society during the Bronze Age.

Another legend says the name Amazonite comes from the belief that it was found in the Amazon river.