Awakened

Last night I watched God Grew Tired of Us: A documentary about the Lost Boys of Sudan. The effect it had on me has lasted through the night and when my eyes opened this morning, the rush of urgent emotions were overwhelming. A sense of helplessness and utter gratitude runs through my blood. I am staggered by my desire to do more in my life. John Dau is an inspiration and has renewed my desire to help that I've held dormant for several years.

I've never been privileged. However, I've never been without the basic necessities of life either. After this film, I am thankful for the very shirt I'm wearing today. The very fact that I can sleep on my cheap Salvation Army mattress. The fact that I've had the same furniture for more than 10 years. The fact that I have only two good pairs of shoes. The fact that I can smile and hug my family and see my daughter's face every morning.

I know that my family won't be shot. I know that I won't have to trek through a scorching desert, barefoot, a shell of a person and without anyone to take care of me. I know that my skeleton will remain safe under my skin. I know that I will live.

This film reminded me that I may have very little, but I have infinitely more than most.

These boys, now men, spoke of their feelings like it was the most natural moment in the world. Their souls shone in their hopeful eyes. Their desire to come to America and live the dream. The dream; didn't happen. The dream was a full circle back to Africa in one way or another. They were brought to this place we call freedom, yet all they thought about were the good times in Africa; their "parliament", their songs, their way of living, regardless of the hardships.

I guess I may be affected more than most people. I'm 37 and have never been abroad. I feel very under-privileged, and less of a person for it. It is unfair that some get to see the world and people like me have trouble buying food for the week. I was one of the first people in my family to graduate college. College promised a bigger world. A hope of a better future. I majored in print journalism; which has gotten me nowhere but maybe a few bucks more an hour. My minors were of more importance as I look back. I minored in African Studies and Swedish Studies.

My desire to travel is in my bones. I like to think that in my past life, I was everywhere and saw many cultures because my life as it is now is very sheltered and not because I want it to be that way. I want to travel more than anyone can understand. I want it so bad it causes me to cry some nights because the need to go see the world is more than I can bear. It's part of my fabric of being. It is the gold thread that runs through the quilt of my life.

I've wanted to go to Africa since I was 15. I want to help. I want to be part of the difference that we make over there. I want immersion. I don't know when or how I'll ever get there, but I do hope that in my lifetime, I will get to see how other people live and write about it. Until then, I can only dream and imagine what it must feel like to leave this country.