Knitting Single

Surfing through blogs recently inspired a connection that I’ve been trying to work out: Is knitting hindering my dating life?

Which leads me once again on a path to revisit the complex nature of communication. I often wish I could keep my mouth shut. I speak, foot enters mouth and I spend the rest of the day trying to remove it. Because all of us at some point are subjected to the “Actions speak louder than word,” schpeel. I don’t know about you, but I roll my eyes, heave a big sigh and proceeded to convince myself that my verbal action has way more re-action than anything I could do in silence. How wrong I often find myself. Without saying a word, I tell people who I am by what I do. A simple concept? Maybe.

However, someone told me recently that I was never going to meet anyone sitting around knitting all the time (coming from a non-knitter). As a single woman, how do men see me? Am I better off meeting someone doing activities I enjoy or are words where it’s at? What do single men think of women who knit in public? I can’t help but wonder if we (knitters) attract them or if we take ourselves off the market with every knit and purl stitch?

At 37, things look a lot different than they did at 16. I’m a single mother of a beautiful 15-year-old girl. I’ve been married twice and divorced twice and now looking into the barrel of the single-in-my-thirties gun. I work two jobs and am at constant odds with myself about the choices I make. I often find myself in panic-mode quickly at the thought and dread of never finding the ‘one.’ I continue to knit my way through problems. Knit one, purl one, pause, problem solved. Well, maybe. It’s more of a coping mechanism rather than a problem solver. My thoughts snowball into that grimy ball of self-doubt and, wham! It’s the pity party for one and you are all invited. However, I’m not that easily thwarted. I’m always after the perfect explanation. The perfect solution; only to realize there is very seldom the perfect solution. There is the gray area that so many of us seem to exist in. That is where theories come in. Postulating solutions based on past experience and why the present is what it is.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I’m toting my knitting out to the bars. That is, if I were to frequently patron bars. I’m not into that. I live in Seattle; The Mecca of the computer dating scene. Around here the hot spots vary depending on who you talk to. Dog parks, coffee shops that litter just about every bloody corner and from what I’ve heard, grocery stores. I frequent the coffee shops and the dog park that is one mile from me and I have to tell you the prospects are slim pickins’. And when I do get a chance meeting, the inevitable question of what I do for fun comes up and I tell them. Men get this distant look in their eyes like knitting is reserved for people on another planet, particularly those who are aged and ‘domestic.’

I recently came across a blog, www.purselipsquarejaw.org, by Dr. Anne Galloway and she writes:

What is it about knitting in public that can be so unsettling? Are we afraid that someone knitting cannot, or worse yet does not wish to, engage with those around them? (Women have long gathered to knit and gossip.) Is it the intrusion of a private activity into public space that unsettles? (Like the laptop user at the local cafe, or the conference backchannel?) Perhaps this is where the public discomfort comes from? A woman knitting in public is self-possessed, she almost flaunts her ability to be productive when others can't, to create when others can only consume. From this emotional politics she can also claim moral righteousness, and in the multi-tasking dimension, she can claim superior skill and challenge the notion that public space is unitary or unified in process and product.

Self-possessed, flaunting? Yes, all valid social intimidations. I have been known to be a bit obsessive in my knitting habits. I do enjoy those who approach me and ask me what it is I’m knitting and the fawning that follows. It would make anyone’s ego fly a bit. However, my public knitting is due to the love of it, not to flaunt my ability to multi-task.

I’ve been knitting for about 10 years. I teach knitting classes two evenings a week at my local yarn shop and I can knit anything I set my heart on. I’ve been known to knit socks in the movie theatre and out at dinner or waiting for the bus. Knitting happens. It shouldn’t be a big deal. And it isn’t; except now I’m thinking it may preventing my ability to expand my social circle in order to meet more people, therefore increasing my odds of meeting a great guy.

Now arguably, there is a social life as a knitter; but men aren’t usually present. You know what I mean ladies. The girls come over, we’re laughing, watching some sappy romantic comedy and knitting until we can’t knit anymore because alcohol and knitting never mix... Fun though it is, it’s not conducive to the traditional dating scene.

I have a few friends whose husbands adore their knitting and regularly support their endeavors. These are the chosen few who have amazing men in their lives. That is not the norm. Most women aren’t so lucky. Our obsession is shared amongst other women knitters. I would give just about anything to have that sort of support. However, I simply refuse to give up the knitting or be sans knitting at any coffee shop or bus stop. So what’s a single gal to do?

I’m one tough bird (thank you Mom). So, I get in my ‘Queen of Research’ mode and find answers to solve the unsolvable. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just have to accept that it’s another one of those mysteries in life that I’m destined never to figure out. “Everything happens for a reason, Christina.” I can’t tell you how rich I’d be if I would have just put a penny in a jar every time my Mother says that to me. That household doctrine doesn’t explain the variables to that statement. It’s an easy statement to make; one that we can simply use so that further exploration is no longer needed. I am not satisfied with that.

Last year I dated a man for about 9 months. He knew I loved to knit. He even went out of his way to buy me knitting books for my birthday. But when I brought out the ACTUAL knitting, he got uncomfortable. I remember being on his boat one evening when there was some dead time that we had to just relax until the event started and I took out my knitting and he laughed and said, “You are just so domestic.” Was that supposed to be a compliment because it sure didn’t sound like it. I proceeded to tell him it was my way of relaxing and he made it sound as if I were being homely. It was almost as if he was embarrassed by the fact I was knitting. So, I put it away. I no longer felt comfortable with what made me relax for me he wouldn't take me seriously. I knew the relationship wouldn't last...and I was right. A few months later, I broke it off.

Since then I’ve had a fair share of dating, but when I mention that I knit I feel as if I have to apologize for it or laugh it off like it’s silly. Most of the time the response is, “Cool.” Cool? What does that mean? It’s pacification, in my opinion. There is no inquiry; nothing to indicate they wish to know more about it. What am I supposed to do with that when knitting is such a huge part of who I am?

I see lots of women knitting in public. It’s quite surprising. But it’s also women I meet who are already attached or married. So why do they care? I often wonder if they would stop given the possibility that it would impede their ability to meet someone. I get all kinds of comments from women in public; all very interesting and positive. There was one woman who came over to where my sister and I were sitting at a coffee shop and without the slightest hesitation said, “I used to knit blankets for crack babies!” Way out of left field, but the point is: I am always approached by women and never men. It confirmed more of my theory; men aren’t approaching me when I knit.

Knitting at bus stops only gets me raised eyebrows and confusion by men. I can almost feel a physical pulling away. I continue my research. There has never been one man in all the places I’ve been in Seattle, to flash a positive, welcoming glance my way when I’m knitting. Reading? Yes. Staring at the scenery? Yes. Knitting? Not so much. I haven’t given up hope though. No one should ever give up something they love to do for anyone.

As progressive and urban as knitting is in this city; for we have an amazing community of shops, teachers, events and friends, knitting is still looked at as an old-woman hobby by most men. It reminds them of mom or an aunt or whatever it conjures in their minds. To most men, I think a good time to be had isn’t in the hands of a knitter.

I know he has to be out there. Someone who will adore the very fact that I am a fiber-maven and he will wear every pair of socks I knit; love every hat and scarf and sweater I make and wear it with pride. He is out there…with soulful eyes and an amazing smile.

Just when I think I may have to stop knitting if I want to meet anyone, I was on the bus to work the other day working on the Citron shawl (turned out lovely, I might add) I felt a pair of eyes on me and turned to the right and a handsome dark-haired gentleman, looked around a passenger to see what I was doing and he smiled. Maybe there is hope yet!