Reality Check

I recently had a friend tell me that this blog of mine is a bit personal. That it made her uncomfortable to read it. My answer is, don't read it. It's my blog, it's my life and I can write whatever I feel and that's okay. It's a blog! I know it's public. I think I know all of four people in my close circle of family and friends who actually read it. I honestly don't really care who thinks what. The rest, well, they can go to the next blog if they don't like it. That's the beauty of a blog, you can be anonymous and noticed all at the same time. I never put anything on here that I don't wish for anyone to see. I'm not looking to get comments. It's not for the benefit of the public, it's for the benefit of myself. I'm an open book and harbor no secrets, nor wish to. I have no reason to keep hush-hush about my feelings. This is more of a writing therapy for me and it helps to get it out in the universe of all the good, the bad and the ugly things out there that cross my mind. To set intentions that I most of the time don't voice out loud. So, I will continue to vacillate between serious and downright random subjects. Happy blogging!

Abundance

Thanksgiving hasn't been my favorite holiday. It just seems an excuse to overeat excessive amounts of sleep-inducing turkey and indulge in one more piece of that pie. Whip cream please.

For me, I never look forward to it. It's just not that big of deal, nor is it historically pleasing.

This time of year also reminds me of how much I need companionship. I like curling up on the couch with someone, holding their hand and just...being. I miss touch, smell and the presence of someone who is right there with me, in all aspects of my life. I remember my first Thanksgiving with my ex-husband. I had decided to forgo the family dinner and make my own. I made a traditional Irish dinner; lamb stew, soda bread, the works. It was by far, the best
Thanksgiving dinner I've ever had. Just my daughter, my husband and me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not him I miss, it's the idea of him. Times that used to be better.

I've been single for 2 1/2 years now and I'm finding it hard to deal with the fact that I may never share my life with someone again. It's not that I need or have to have someone to be happy; because I don't. I think as humans, we are programmed to "mate" and to be with someone and often times we get a bit panicky or desperate and just settle because the person is just there and it's convenient. I'm just very much in tune with that drive for companionship. It's a bit saddening. I feel complete in the rest of my life, yet find it hard to watch couples kissing or go over to my married, or otherwise involved friends' houses. I'm happy for them, but what have I done to not have that in my life? My default to blame myself is very strong.

In conclusion, this time of year is to celebrate my family, myself and all that I have, not what I don't. I am content...but I can't help but wonder...Is there really someone out there for everyone?

She stands in a vertical corner, shoes pointed out, toes in. Her skirt swirls to her sway. The corduroy lines flowing to the curve of her thighs greeting the airbrushed ankles.

Green runs through her veins igniting her aged hands alight with labor.

Her hair softens the chiseled line of hardness and melts into eyes like black coffee oils down a white cheek.

Breasts heavy, heart lifted, teetering on a jagged edge of hope.

A voice in the corner tells her it’s alright for one more day.

Hang on, hang on to the tight rope that leads the way.

Don’t be afraid to fall; for falling leads to a decay of right and wrong.

Walk, walk the fine line of desire, want, need.

A scorned mother disciplines always, smacks the labored hands into submission once more. Credibility gone. Confidence shattered.

Get back up on the wobbly stallion.

Slick black, damaged hooves that know the way well.

Travel well dear one.

Another sign

This morning, driving to work, I saw a bumper sticker. What did it say? DOULA, at the heart of birth, or something like that. That, my friends is another sign. I've NEVER seen a Doula bumper sticker before. I mean, I didn't even know they MADE them. I think the powers of the universe are trying to tell me something. The fates can't just kick me in the gut. They have to be subtle about it and make me think. Think. Think. I must begin checking this out. I will give myself a goal to check it out after the holidays. The first of 2009 will be my quest to see if I am destined to be a midwife or a Doula. Until then dear friends....